by admin on 23/08/08 at 6:09 am
Luckily, for most of you reading this, you won’t have any idea what the hell I am talking about. Prison is full of unique characters, but many of these characters are of the cookie-cutter variety and can be found in prisons and county jails all across the United States. I’ve had the displeasure of running into several of them and have unfortunately been forced to share an 8′x10′ with a good portion of the list. Living with these types of people is no easy task, and I advise you to avoid committing any crimes unless you are prepared to do so.
Jailhouse Preacher: We’ve all heard stories about this guy. He was smoking meth, stealing cars, raping cattle, and who knows what the hell else while a member of society. He catches a case and all of a sudden they include a chapter in the Bible for him. Nothing is more annoying than a hypocrite. Especially one who you know will revert back to his same “habits” upon being granted parole. Jesus is real easy to find when your life is restricted to the confines of a cell and reading material is in short order.
Jailhouse Muslim: Not to be confused with the jailhouse preacher, this character is always black and can usually be seen praying 5 times a day in the direction of the Ka’ba shrine in Mecca. Being a Muslim in the hood is hardly a popular practice, but sure enough…once you get to jail, everything seems more holy, no? Check out this video–if you like–for some insight into “supposed” Muslim recruitment in American prisons. I don’t think any of the folks I am referring to in Colorado were Al Queda though.
No More Cafeteria-food Guy: Usually an inhabitant of the penal system for a decade or more, this inmate chooses to order all of his food off of commissary and cook it himself in his cell using the only viable heat source available: an electrical hot pot. His fare of choice is usually a combination of Ramen Noodle soup and whatever the hell else he can muster up from his weekly canteen purchases.
Faggot/Tranny: Every facility has a few of these running about. If you are placed into a protective custody or special needs unit, be prepared to have enough running about to start an in-house AIDS epidemic. These alternative lifestyle individuals usually run in packs and some facilities even have gangs made up entirely of homosexuals and transgenders. See: Gay Boy Gangsters
Crackhead Looking for His Next High: From boiling Sucrettes and consuming them to taking excessive amounts of Benadryl, these dudes show up in prison ready to continue the binge that led to their incarceration. No telling what kind of holes these guys have in their livers, but nothing can deter them from gaining their fix. I stuck to the reefer. I can remember a Chapstick cap full of Colorado dank being $25. Who cares how they got it in?
The, “You Gonna Eat That?” Guy: In the chow hall this guy is always chicken-hawking peoples plates, curious what you might not decide to eat. He is often seen following other inmates towards the food disposal area in hopes of acquiring some additional food to sate his ever-present repast. Many times this same inmate can be heard uttering such phrases as, “I have macaroni and cheese for your chicken” or, “Dessert for your Frito pie.” These beggars were often ridiculed with under-the-breath comments like, “I got dick for butt.”
The Day-room T.V. Dictator: Usually the biggest dude in the cell-house, this guy holds complete ownership over programming when it comes to the communal television. There is no telling how many prisoners he has driven to contact their families begging for money so that they can purchase their own personal television for their cell. To put this in perspective: a 10″ Phillips Magnavox that has been sitting in a warehouse collecting dust since it was bought by the department of corrections at bulk rates a year after it went out of production…costs 200 dollars–warranty not included.
Keister Bunny: An anal depository box usually coerced into packing his ass with anything from homemade shanks to drugs and tobacco. Many people do this of their own accord, but many are punked into holding the various forms of contraband assholes seem to be so perfect for concealing.
Store Owner: The closest thing prisons have to merchants, these fellows always have surplus food, hygiene, and whatever else you might need when you run out before the next shipment of canteen arrives. Don’t be fooled though, if these guys “loan” you anything, they are expecting at least double back in return. This transaction is often referred to as a “twofer.” Twofer one, you know?
Snitch: These bitches are everywhere.
Prospective Professional Athlete Who was Selling Dope: I couldn’t even begin to count how many of these guys I ran into. The story is always the same: receive athletic scholarship, can’t leave the hood mentality behind, and get caught up. Get your mind right…not having your Air Force ones is no excuse to start selling dope. Your college was paid for idiot.
Halitosis Guy: From Wikipedia–Halitosis, oral malodor, breath odor, foul breath, fetor oris, fetor ex ore, or most commonly bad breath are terms used to describe noticeably unpleasant odors exhaled in breathing – whether the smell is from an oral source or not. Halitosis has a significant impact — personally and socially — on those who suffer from it or believe they do (halitophobia), and is estimated to be the 3rd most frequent reason for seeking dental aid, following tooth decay and periodontal disease.
The people who suffer from this ailment always seem to sleep with their mouths open. While in the county jail, there was one inmate who, when upon waking every morning, had managed to fumigate the entire cell-block. No shit…this dude stank up a 15,000 square foot area within an 8 hour period of open-mouthed sleeping.
Chomo or Suspected Chomo: These characters–diaper snipers–usually don state-issue prescription glasses and, if intelligent, manage to PC. Protective custody is the only place for them. In general population they generally get whooped, stabbed, and often times murdered for their crimes against innocent and helpless victims. Most inmates have kids and inmates turn into vigilantes when these fucks walk through the gate.
Jailhouse Lawyer: As if this needs an explanation. This inmate’s law prowess is usually the result of his own efforts at overturning his sentence. The jailhouse lawyer is usually paid for his services–submitting appeals and whatnot–with commissary or by his “client’s” family by way of money order. The importance of these inmate judicial representatives is usually underrated. They are no doubt responsible for release of hundreds of convicted felons a year.
Artist/Craft Guy: These talented individuals are capable of painting, drawing, and even sculpting origami-like objects out of the reflective interiors of empty potato chip bags. Their abilities are indeed impressive, only upstaged by their ingenuity in finding materials for their craft.
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Some religions have stained reputations. They might have the world's greatest missionaries but lack that savvy marketing departments that could help clean up their bad image. A good PR representative might tell them to look internally and work their way outwards. When looking internally, start with the windows. It's possible they're giving people the wrong image. Especially when you have the Worst Church Stained Glass Ever.
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